Impact

Well, my idea of having a thriving blog has not really bloomed....

That may have been caused by my obsession with Prison Break over the past two months (I finished the series TODAY!)....or because life has become so unbelievably hectic and messy, and my brain hasn't been very focused. Anyway, I am back and ready to share what is happening in my crazy life.

This entire school year has been all sorts of change, but something happened this semester that shook my world. I have never really, truly, gone through a grieving stage in my life. Both of my grandfathers have passed away during my lifetime, but I was young when that happened, and have never had an honest heart aching, grieving experience.

Until this semester.

About three weeks ago, I had the wonderful opportunity to travel to St. Louis for the Missouri Valley Tournament to cheer on my Shockers. I had a lovely time being with my sweet friends and enjoying some great basketball. However, Saturday night while in St. Louis, I found out someone I loved and cherished had passed away completely unexpectedly. We were waiting outside a restaurant to be seated when I received news that Sheryl Riney had died.

At first, I didn't think it was real. Literally, the minute I found out, we were being seated to dinner. The moment I sat down, the weight of what I had found out hit me and I broke down in the middle of a super busy restaurant in downtown St. Louis. I had never felt so utterly broken and sad. Sad can't accurately describe it, but I can't find words.

Mrs. Riney was the wife of Doug Riney, who was my choir director for four years in high school. But, choir director was just his title. Mr. Riney was so much more to me. Both Sheryl and Doug were like second parents to all of the students. They welcomed us in their home and shared their lives with us. The Riney family have had such a special place in my heart from the moment they came into my life. Mr. and Mrs. Riney had one of the most beautiful marriages I have ever witnessed. Their 7 year old son, Paul, who I babysit on occasion, is a treasure. The joy and energy for life they both had was unmatched to anyone I know. The way they loved Paul and one another is a testament to unfailing love. Absolutely beautiful.

To me, the heart ache came in realizing Mr. Riney lost his true love. To realize Paul would not have his incredible mother in his earthly life. At Sheryl's funeral, which was absolutely beautiful, they spoke of her as "the best." And that is exactly who she was. Her heart for Christ and her family was so inspiring. Her vibrance, her kindness to absolutely anyone and everyone, the way she loved to serve others...I will be ever mindful of that.

I have really struggled with the loss of such a wonderful person. I became so mad at God. I couldn't understand why He would take someone who lived such a beautiful life and loved so well. I 'know' that life on earth is temporary, but to have that be so evident and real, it was too much sometimes. For a long time, my heart just hurt so much. I couldn't find any peace in the situation, because I felt like nothing good could become of it. But, I needed to be reminded that our next breath isn't guaranteed. Whether spoken or unspoken, I try to plan for and envision my future. Where will I be in ten years? How will my life impact others for God's kingdom? What will people say about me when I leave this earth?

I still struggle sometimes with seeing the good in the situation, but through Mrs. Riney's passing, I have better realized that life on earth is temporary. God does have a purpose and a plan in everything, and even when I cannot always see how, He is going to use every situation for His glory. And Mrs. Riney's funeral was such a vivid picture of a life lived for the glory of God. More than a thousand people were in attendance at her funeral. She impacted lives by the way she lived her life because she knew that Christ was worth it. I am comforted knowing she is living in heaven with God. I certainly hope I will have the same energy and joy for the Lord that she had, and that I would love with the same uninhibited love she had for all of God's children.

I am so thankful I was able to be impacted by Mrs. Riney. She left an imprint on my heart.

Lunch Duty: Part 1

Recently in my life, I have encountered many thoughts, events, and people that consume my mind. I thought if I were to start a blog, I could have a physical copy of these experiences and a chance for others to see what God is doing in my life. Mostly, I don't want to forget what is happening in my heart and life, so a blog seemed a great way for me to write out what I am going through.

Lunch Duty.

I have the wonderful opportunity to work in an elementary school as a freshman in college. Most elementary education degree-seeking students don't get into the schools until their last couple of years of college. So, I am blessed to be able to work in a school so early on, gaining experience and knowledge about teaching that already is making a huge impact on my life.

My job consists of mostly aiding students in their assignments or helping lead a small group for reading or math. However, I do get the lovely job of lunch duty. When I first recieved my work schedule, I told my mom (who is a teacher) that I had lunch duty every day and her response didn't mirror my excitement. She was aware of what lunch duty entails. I have had many moving, thrilling, mentally and emotionally exhausting experiences that have happened during my lunch duty alone. Here is one of those stories:

Today, I was with the third graders for lunch and recess. I am already an emotional person and I feel like my heart might explode multiple times each day. So today when my friend, one of my students I work, with sat down at the lunch table, pushed his food away, and laid his head down, I immediately went over to him.

I squated down so I was only heard by my friend. I asked him if everything was alright. He did not respond, so I stayed there for a few moments until I saw tear drops falling from his hidden face. My heart just sank. This student, my friend, is in a classroom I work in every week. He never talks and is very introverted. Last week, while I was grading tests in the back of the classroom, I had hands wrap around me and when I turned to see who it was, my friend was walking back to his seat.

He never talks to me, but I ask him questions and he will nod or shake his head. I got a smile out of him the other day, which was a joy to see. When I saw him so upset in the cafeteria, I thought of when he snuck up behind me and hugged me. How he struggles so much already in his academics. It was rather embarrassing, but I began to cry. I was trying so hard to fight the tears so the other students wouldn't see me.

I can't explain exactly what I was feeling, I just know my heart was hurting for my friend. I later found out some information about his home life which put some puzzle pieces together. It just amazes me how each person I encounter has a huge suitcase of issues they are dealing with. Stuff that no one can see from the outside. And they are pretty good at playing it off as if everything is fine. I am really good at that, actually. But every so often, they can't hold it in anymore. And for my friend, today in the lunch room was when his suitcase busted open.

I feel like I can never fully understand what my students are going through. Each day brings new challanges and experiences that move me and challange me to make life truly new each day. All I know is that God is good. And He has a purpose in everything He does. It is my hope that my time in my school will somehow give hope to those students whose lives are turned upside down. For my friend, that God's love and favor will be evident in his life, whether at school or home. I need to cling to the hope that comes in Jesus...to be surrounded by so many experiences that display the depth of brokenness in our world takes a toll on my heart. But, there is hope. And I desire to somehow display that hope to my students. To make lunch duty count for the students who are carrying too much that day.